The Strength Inside Me
by bakaprincess85
Summary: I'm kind of terrified. It's like my wildest dreams and my worst nightmare came true at once. I'm scared of what could happen and what couldn't. A Dragon Age story spanning 20 years! REWRITING IT AS WITH YOU IN MY HEAD!
1. Chapter 1

_**THE STRENGTH INSIDE ME**_

_ CHAPTER ONE_  
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_9:20 Dragon – 14 Bloomingtide_

It was all I could do not to groan in pain. My whole body felt like it was stomped on by an elephant, then run over by a truck and stomped again. I couldn't remember what I did to make it hurt so much, for as far as I knew I didn't do anything strenuous before going to bed but curl up under my blankets to sleep and dream about the green-eyed elf I kinda-sorta had a crush on.

Please ignore the fact that he's a character from a video game.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the sound of wood creaking, like something was about to collapse at any moment.

The second thing I noticed was the smell of ash and fire. I got really scared then – I didn't like fires for one, and second – if there was a fire, were my parents all right? Did they manage to call for help? But I heard no noise around me except for the aforementioned wood creaking.

The third thing that made me confused was a tingly feeling that coursed through my body. And a weight that crushed my chest making it hard to breathe. It wasn't wood, because in some places I could feel it cutting into my flesh.

I was cold and didn't know why until a cold wind furled over me and whatever it was that was lying on top of me. It made me shiver and realize that I was naked. My eyes opened pretty fast after that.

All I could see above me were fiery sparks and smoke and drops of ashes that fell down like snowflakes. There was a glint of something just under my nose and with great effort, I managed to turn my head and look down.

There was a man lying on top of me. Half of his body was encased in some kind of metal armour, while the rest was probably a small burnt pile not far from where we were laying on the ground. There were small pebbles in the ground that were digging into my skin and it hurt when I tried to move.

A touch of skin to skin made me scramble away as fast as I could. He only had half of his armour on, I realized. I don't know if he managed to rape me or not, but I couldn't feel any pain inside me or feel anything that would indicate that he had his way with me. I couldn't help but sigh in relief.

Another gust of wind made me shiver again. Taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out made me a bit calmer. Calm enough to look around me in hopes of finding something to cover myself up with.

I was in a barn somewhere, I noticed. The fire wasn't as strong as I thought it would be and it was already dying out, making the smoke bigger. I had to get out of here, unless I wanted to suffocate on it. I couldn't see anything that I could cover up with, so I gave up. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't hold me. It was like something had sucked out all my strength and stamina.

My nose and throat began to burn as the smoke got thicker and thicker. _I never imagined I would die this way_, I mused to myself as I curled up in a ball in the middle of the barn. I always thought I would die somewhere in a hospital, older and alone.

Well, I was alone now, wasn't I? So that's the only thing I expected when I would die. I don't think there was a hospital anywhere nearby and I didn't look all that old now that I thought about it. From what I could see, my skin was young-looking and I had really small breasts that seemed to be on the start of their development. I felt... really young. Younger than I was before I woke up wherever this was.

_It's almost funny_, I thought as I tried to curl up even more, feeling so very sleepy. I was always just a little bit afraid of dying, but it really wasn't all that scary. You just close your eyes and follow the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Well, unless there's someone standing in front of you, barring the way, of course.

I blinked at the figure in front of me. It was glowing softly and I couldn't see anything that would make me know who or what that was. It was just there. There were brighter spots of blue around the place where the eyes should be. It just stared at me as if judging me. Was that Charon, the one who usually rowed you over the river Styx into the underworld? Or was it some other deity that took your soul over? Or was I such a bad girl that I would go straight to whatever hell there was?

"_It is not your time yet,"_ the figure said. Its voice was strange. Like there were various people speaking the same thing at once. Was it a ghost then? A demon? Usually, in movies, ghosts and demons spoke like that.

"Are you a demon?" I asked it, with as much courage as I felt. It wasn't much, I could tell. My voice was shaking.

"_I am a Spirit of the Fade,"_ the spirit replied and drifted closer to me. _"I am one of the Maker's first children. I am the Spirit of Strength."_

I stopped breathing. This all sounded very familiar to me, and yet I knew it couldn't be real. The Maker? Spirits of the Fade? It all reminded me of the Dragon Age game and its giant load of lore information. I had to find out more about whatever the spirit was talking about. I wouldn't just blindly believe what it was saying, no matter how much I wished it was true.

"A Spirit of the Fade?" I asked, almost breathlessly. "Like the Spirit of Valour, Faith, Fortitude and Justice?"

It almost seemed like the spirit in front of me cocked its head like a dog who was curious about something. _"You seem knowledgeable about the Fade, yet you are not from this world."_

Not from this world. Yeah, I was dreaming. I wanted to pinch myself, but I couldn't move my arms. "I come from a world where all this is just a story written for people to enjoy," I said, trying to explain the word video game. I think I failed miserably. I was pretty sure that where I was there were no video games. There were no Harry Potter books, no animes,... this was probably the Fade.

"_And yet, here you are,"_ the spirit said.

"Yet here I am, and I don't know how I came to be here," I replied in a whispery voice. "I don't even know how I look like or if my name is still the same."

Was this something I read about before? Like those fan fictions where a modern girl was transported to the world of Thedas and either possessed the body of whoever the author decided or the body was just created from scratch? A fleeting thought almost made me snort. _Please let me be Marian Hawke!_

Yeah, I was going insane.

The spirit was once again cocking its head at me. Almost like it could read my mind. Though, I realized, it probably could. Anders could hear Justice talking to him sometimes, though Wynne couldn't. I had to wonder what the spirit wanted with me or why it was even talking to me.

"_The Maker is giving you another chance at life,"_ the spirit said, with that multi-voice of theirs again. _"And I am to help you survive it."_

Did that mean that I was dead in my previous world? Or did the spirit mean this one? Because I'm pretty sure I died in this one mere minutes after arriving.

This was getting stranger and stranger. I always thought that the Maker didn't really exist. I mean, I'm not a really religious person, but I always believed that there was something out there that made things happen. And the Maker was just something the Bioware came up with.

"Why would the Maker give _me_ a chance?" I asked. I wasn't that special of a person. I've always had trouble when growing up – so much trouble that I was unable to finish high school. And I don't mean like I was a trouble magnet or something, I just wasn't mentally stable enough to… and that makes it sound a lot worse than it really was.

"_I do not know His thoughts,"_ the spirit replied.

Well, the Maker has a sense of humour, I recalled Bethany saying once.

"_Will you allow me to help you?" _the spirit asked. All I could do was nod. If this was a dream, I would wake up and nothing would change. If it wasn't a dream, I won't become a burned body inside a barn. I didn't care much about the fact that I was going to be an abomination. Or at least, not yet.

As soon as I finished nodding, the spirit disappeared and I could feel its presence inside of me. I still didn't understand why a Spirit of Strength decided to help me. I wasn't strong at all. I never went to the gym to work out so I couldn't have developed any muscles. I didn't do sports so I didn't have the endurance. What was I strong in then?

"_Your willpower is stronger than any person I have encountered,"_ my mind whispered to me. Ah, so we would be able to communicate.

"_Yes, there is much you do not know of this world and of your magic."_

"Wait, what?" I'm a mage? Was that dead man beside me a Templar then? Did he use a Holy Smite on me? Was it because of the Smite, that I was so tired I could hardly move?

"_Yes, you are a newly awakened mage. It was you that created that fire in the barn," _the spirit whispered in my ear again.

"But I don't even like fire!" I exclaimed then realized that this wasn't exactly a smart thing to say after finding out I was a mage of all things. And that it probably wasn't me that created that fire, but the girl whose body I inhabited now.

"_You do not have to specialize in one class of magic, I can teach you things about magic that your father does not know about."_

"My father?"

"_Yes, your father. He is near. You should wake up."_

"But I don't even know who I am. What if I make a mistake and they realize I'm not their daughter and think I'm a demon or something?"

"_It is not uncommon that people living through such trauma as the girl whose body you're in, deal with it in different ways."_

I thought about that. "I could stay silent for a while," I said at last. I wasn't much of a talker anyway and if it helped me stay alive, then I would become a complete mute if it was necessary.

"_That could work,"_ the spirit agreed.

"Okay then. How do I wake up?" I asked.

"_Just open your eyes."_

Easier said than done.

It was like there was cement poured all over my face and then dried really fast. I wondered if there were drills in Thedas but realized that there probably weren't. There was no electricity after all… unless the mages learned how to harness it. I was still in the same position I was in before I blanked out – curled up next to the dead Templar, inside a smoking barn. I coughed as I once again breathed in the smoke. My eyes started watering and I could finally open them.

I closed them as soon as I could because the smoke made them burn and I really didn't want to become blind as soon as I ended up in a new world. I had to wonder where I was. I knew I was in a barn, but where was that barn? And yes, I know I'm rambling, but I'm confused. I'm allowed to ramble when confused, right?

A gust of wind once again picked up and made me shiver, but it also drove the smoke away. The only difference from the gust of wind that made me shiver before was that this one didn't stop. It was like someone turned on a giant fan that blew the smoke away. There was the sound of crunching pebbles and I was suddenly engulfed in a warm cloak.

Ah, that would probably be the father then.

"Are you all right, Ria?" I heard a male voice whisper. It sounded like he was relieved to see me, scared out of his wits, and worried about me all at the same time. I wondered if Ria was my name or if it was a nickname. I hoped it was a nickname for Marian. I hoped that this man was Malcolm Hawke. I wanted to tell him I'm fine, but I knew I shouldn't. Should I curl up in his arms? Should I just nod? Should I flinch away from his touch like I wanted to?

Before I could decide on what to do, my body answered by itself. It flinched for a moment when warm fingers wrapped around my cold ones and then threw myself into the man's arms sobbing loudly.

Not a moment later his warm hands surrounded me and after a few moments, lifted me up into the air like I was as light as a feather. I snuggled closer to the warmth and hid my face in the crook of his neck.

"Did he hurt you?" I heard him ask in a strangled voice. I guess he noticed the half-naked Templar then. I shook my head. I could almost imagine the relief on his face when he sighed into my hair. My hair felt long and as I opened my eyes again, I could see it was black and somewhat wavy. It was longer than the default Bethany hairstyle, but probably had the same waves in it.

I wonder what colour my eyes are. I hoped that they were that dazzling blue of the default Hawke, though I hoped that I wouldn't have that red scar over my nose.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt lips on my hair, which indicated that the man kissed me. I could feel my lips twitching into a smile. My dad never did that. Or if he did, it was such a long time ago that I didn't remember.

I wonder how old I am. I hoped that I wasn't brought into this world too late or too early. I really hoped that I could get used to it before the Blight began. _So many questions and so little answers_, I grumbled mentally to myself.

"_It is 9:20 Dragon," _I heard the spirit whisper in my ear. My mind began whirling in numbers then. If it was 9:20 Dragon, then it was the year the Hawkes moved to Lothering. It would be ten years later that the Blight would begin. Ten years until I met Fenris. My heart stumbled a bit at that thought and I quickly dashed it away. I shouldn't think about that now.

And I had to stop thinking that my family were the Hawkes. It might be a completely different family. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Although, now that I think about it… I can understand the language. It sounded like English to my ears. I was frightened for a microsecond that I wouldn't understand Fereldan language. I wonder if Antivan was a mix of Spanish and Italian that people were discussing on Bioware forums, or if Orlesian was French. I knew some words from all those languages, but I couldn't converse with anyone in them. Or at least, I couldn't understand full sentences. I wondered if the written word would be as easy to understand as the spoken word. I dearly hoped so, because I loved reading.

I was distracted again by the return of the tingly feeling that I felt when I woke up for the first time. Was that my magic? Or is it called mana? Or magicka, like in The Elder Scrolls games? I brought one of my hands closer to my eyes and the tingling got stronger. I really hoped I wouldn't burst into fire again.

The man carrying me stopped abruptly and I think he stared at my hand as well.

"_You_ burnt that barn?" he asked in a shaky voice. I gathered my courage and looked up through my lashes. The man's hair was as black as mine and his eyes were a piercing grey as he stared into my own eyes. I had to fight the impulse to hide myself behind the hair that fell onto my face, and I nodded.

I really hoped that this man was Malcolm Hawke and not someone that would send me straight to the Circle like so many other fathers and mothers did.

I wondered if he could feel the magic inside of me and it was this that made him realize that I was a mage… or did my sparkly fingers give me away?

It was probably the fingers.

The following silence was very uncomfortable. I tried to ignore the fact that a man I never met before was carrying me somewhere I never was before and never thought I would be. It was hard to ignore these thoughts, so I pretended to fall asleep against the man's chest.


	2. Chapter 2

_**THE STRENGTH INSIDE ME**_

_ CHAPTER TWO  
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_9:20 Dragon – 15 Bloomingtide_

I think I really did fall asleep sometime while I was being carried, because when I opened my eyes again I was lying in a bed. The mattress wasn't as comfortable as the one I had at home (how could it be?), but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was filled with straw and covered with warm fur.

There was a low light coming from somewhere to my right and when I turned my head towards it I saw a small fireplace with a gently burning fire inside. There was another thing I noticed.

I wasn't lying on the bed alone.

There was a girl, probably a few years younger than me, with the same black hair (though a bit shorter) as the man and I had. She was sleeping. I wondered what colour her eyes were. Were they amber like Bethany's?

I almost growled at myself. I shouldn't think that I was Marian Hawke. It would only make me feel depressed if I wasn't. I really shouldn't get my hopes up.

Carefully, I extracted myself from the bed and went over to the small bench underneath a somewhat large window. It wasn't a full moon, more like half of it was missing. I curled myself up on that bench and just stared out. I had to think this through. Now that I felt rested and not as confused as I was when I woke up in that barn, I could think straighter.

Somehow, somewhere, someone decided that I should be transported into a young girl's body. Then they decided that that body should be possessed by a Spirit of the Fade and that it should be a mage's body. So far, so good. Said Spirit would help me acclimate to this world and help me learn more magic. My father in this world was also a mage, which made him an apostate. Which made me an apostate as well. Which meant that Templars would be after us. Which meant that I should hide my magic as much as possible and use it even less.

Gah! This is really confusing!

Lucky for me, I wasn't prone to panic attacks or hyperventilation. I didn't feel a lot of stress when put under it. In fact, I was usually as cool as a cucumber. People often looked at me funny when that happened.

All right, first things first. I should decide on how to behave. Being mute had its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages was that I wouldn't be able to tell people what was wrong if I felt sick or if I was in danger. One of the advantages was that I could silently accommodate to my new surroundings. I didn't really have to be mute forever, but just long enough for me to acclimate, I guess. I don't know how long that would take, but I hoped it wouldn't be too long. With all the information I had crammed inside my head, I already knew a lot about Thedas and its lore. I just hoped it would be enough.

Or perhaps I could only stay quiet for a while due to the shock I received when I was almost raped by that Templar and start talking bit by bit. I didn't really like the thought of being quiet for so long – but I would if that meant my survival.

My second concern was the date. What day of the month was it? The Spirit told me it was 9:20 Dragon. That means it was ten years before the Blight began and ten years before the Hawke family fled to Kirkwall. It would definitively take a while for me to get used to the new calendar. I knew the months of Thedas by heart, so that was one thing that I didn't have to worry about.

My third concern was what to do with the knowledge I had of the future. Should I try and change anything? Which Origin would become the Grey Warden? Would it be Elissa Cousland? Or Kallian Tabris? Perhaps Solona Amell, the relative of the Hawkes? Perhaps it would be a multi-origin world? My head started spinning with all the possibilities.

I knew one thing though – I should probably not change too much, because then the canon of the game would be ruined and I would have no idea what to expect next. Of course, I didn't know a lot about the next ten years, so I didn't have to worry quite yet. But I did need to plan.

My fourth concern was that I was a mage. I had to decide what magic to learn, and how to hide it. I never fought before so I didn't know how to be a battlemage – much less how to be a mage, seeing as I always thought that magic didn't exist. Oh, I hoped it would, but I knew that in reality… these things just didn't happen.

All I knew was that I didn't want to become too dependent on the magic inside me. I needed to learn how to fight, if I wanted to survive the Blight and Kirkwall. I definitively didn't want to be the damsel in distress that stood behind people and let them protect her. So, learning offensive magic was on, as well as learning how to fight with a weapon. I also definitively wanted to learn healing magic.

But first things first I had to learn how to control the magic and how to hide it. After I learnt how to do that, then I could start thinking about learning spells. I also had to become fit if I was to be fighting in the future – ugh, how I hated running… but when in Rome do as the Romans do, I think was the correct phrase.

I wondered if I could ask Leliana to teach me how to shoot with a bow once she arrived in Lothering. Perhaps I could even imbue the arrows with magic like Kagome did in the anime Inuyasha? That would be really cool.

And here I went again and planned things as if I was Marian Hawke.

Sigh.

The first thing I had to do, obviously, was to find out who I was in this world. Otherwise, all the planning and wool-gathering I just did would be for naught. Especially if I managed to get myself locked up in the Circle Tower.

A murmur from the bed made me flinch. All this thinking was bad for me, I decided, as I tried to slow my heartbeat down. I had to be more aware of my surroundings.

"No, don't run away from me bunny," the girl on the bed muttered in her sleep, making me grin just a little bit. If ever I found myself unable to sleep and if I had to share the bed with this girl, then I would be entertained for sure.

"Oh, you're so fast," murmured the girl again and started twitching, as if she was running after the rabbit. It reminded me of my dog – he would dream and twitch and let out these strange noises from time to time. My grin fell as I remembered that I left my world behind. I wondered if my parents already realized I was gone and if they didn't, when would they? What would they think about my disappearance? What would they do? Or was my body still there, in my bed, dead? Or was my whole world destroyed when I passed to this one? So many questions. I curled up even more and put my head on my knees at that. I missed my parents already, despite some of the differences in views we had during our time together. I could still remember me and my dad ganging up on my mum and making fun of her being scatter-brained, or us talking in unison sometimes because we were so very much alike. I could still remember my mum forgetting where she put things or ranting about my room. I have to admit, my room was a big mess. I was always collecting stuff and had a room full of carton boxes filled with all my collected items. Whether it was papers with my scribbles or toys from various cereal boxes, every moment of my short life was in those boxes. And I was going to miss my computer very much, and my music.

Oh, God! My music! How was I supposed to survive without my music? I could manage without my computer or perhaps even my parents (I don't mean to be cruel, but both my parents worked all days and we never spent that much time together during the week, so I was mostly left to my own devices…), but music? It was my life! I always listened to music whether I played games (I listened to the game music then), or if I was reading, or writing, or doing anything else even – music was my constant companion!

And now I lost everything…

Even though I gained a new family and a new chance to live a better life, a life with magic, I still wanted my music back.

I sighed against my knees, and then tried to think optimistic thoughts. I could always make music with whatever instruments existed in this world; I could hum and sing the music I knew to keep my memories alive. I wasn't good at notating the music, but I had an ear for it and could replicate any sounds I heard on my computer on the Piano and the Flute. I even started learning how to play the Violin.

I knew from my various readings that people had lutes, harps, fiddles and flutes in the medieval ages and in many games in that time era there were a lot of those musical instruments around. Even in Skyrim there were lutes and flutes. I could always learn to play the Lute and the Harp, and reacquaint myself with the Flute and the Fiddle.

But how was I supposed to hum and sing if I was to be a mute for some time? I don't know if I could make it through the day without singing or humming at least five songs.

I sighed again. I shouldn't over-think things. This was one of my least desirable character points. I always over-thought things. This made me seem a little slow on the uptake sometimes, or perhaps a little aloof when in company of friends. But that was the curse of the Asperger's Syndrome I was diagnosed with. It was why I had so little friends and why I never went out much. It was like my brain was calibrated on a whole different level than most of the people I met. I never really belonged in my old world, never really fit in anywhere. I was mostly alone with my music. Me, Myself and I... and though it sounded funny when I first heard the name of the movie, it now only made me feel even more alone than before.

On another optimistic note, at least I had a family here as well. I was lucky not to be an orphan out on the streets, or an elf in the Alienage. Not that I hated elves, I really liked them. In games and movies they were always so beautiful and handsome and lithe and…

Suddenly I stiffened in my seat. If I was in Thedas… that meant that Fenris was now real and not just a character in one of my favourite video games. It meant that he was flesh and blood. That all the dialogues that I watched in the game would now really happen if I didn't change the future. But it also meant that there would probably be new ones since there would be no time-skipping. This was the thought that finally made me realize that this wasn't a dream, but that I really skipped worlds and ended up in the Dragon Age universe. There would be no time-skipping here, I would have to live every day as it was and make the best of it.

And that meant that all the wool-gathering I was doing wasn't just wool-gathering but that I actually did have make plans. I looked out the window again, only noticing now that the house I was in was actually at the edge of a town. Was that Lothering? But no, the town was just that – a town – and not a village. And there was a castle next to the town. From what I could see of the area around the house, we were somewhere near the coast – so this meant that we were either in Amaranthine or Highever. However, I couldn't see the Brandel's Reach island anywhere in the distance so that meant that I was probably in Highever.

The home of the Couslands.

I shivered as I remembered that in ten years, Arl Rendon Howe would betray and slaughter them all. Yes, all. If I played as a City Elf then Elissa or Aedan would die with their parents when Howe attacked. And if I played as Elissa Cousland, then the City Elf would have died when Vaughan kidnapped her from his or her wedding.

But this wasn't a game anymore. This was real.

It made me weary of even thinking of changing the future because you never know what the future would bring if you tried to change it. I've read way too many fan fictions with that theme and there were always consequences.

But if I could just warn them to be wary of Howe? Would they even admit me into the castle proper to see them? And if I managed that, would they believe me? It was ten years before the Blight. That meant that the Cousland Warden (that's what I decided to call them in my mind, so that I wouldn't confuse myself by thinking of them as Elissa or Aedan – that would be way too confusing) was probably the same age as me. How old was I anyway? The first impression I had of my body was that I was very young, probably just starting puberty if my breasts were any indication. I remember starting my own puberty at eleven, so that was probably the age I was here – if not eleven, then a year older.

Taking a more detailed look at my body, I saw that it was lean and soft. There was still some baby fat clinging to some places, but that would go away with time and of course, puberty. My black hair reached to the middle of my back and was wavy. It looked well cared for and that meant that the girl whose body I was in possession of took pride in it.

It was a relief to find one similarity between the two of us.

I still had no idea what colour my eyes were, so I looked at the glass in the window and tried to see it in the dark with the fire casting some light from behind. It definitively wasn't amber or any sort of dark colour. It was very light in colour, but intense. It didn't look like it was green, so it was probably blue or grey. And I leaned more towards grey. Of course, I'd have to check myself in a mirror to be absolutely sure of it.

I also remembered the fact that IF I was Marian Hawke, the Hawke family would move to Lothering sometime this year – and if the Templar attacking me was any indication, it would be pretty soon. This made the decision I had to make about warning the Couslands all the more dire. I had to decide, and soon.

I wanted to warn them so much, but what if the future changed because I warned them and Duncan didn't recruit the Cousland Warden into the Wardens because of it? What if the Cousland Warden was the only Warden in this world?

In the end, all I managed to do with all this thinking was to get a headache. I brought my fingers to my temple and started to massage it. It was only then that I noticed that the girl in the bed was awake and was watching me.


End file.
